Thursday, August 28, 2008

Things to note about perfume advertisements...


I made a few observations while searching the world wide web for perfume advertisements and the following are what I think appear to be the criteria for a successful (...ha...) image.

1. A naked or half naked man or woman. If they aren't naked, they're dressed extravagantly (or idiotically depending on your fashion taste buds). If its a man, hes doing something manly like resting on a mountain top, throwing a football, getting out of a helicopter with beautiful women, or driving a classic car with a seemingly attractive woman who's face is cropped out of the picture. If its a woman, shes floating on a wave, swinging on a vine in the amazon, laying in bed covered to the point where she might as well not have sheets covering her, or becoming one with the background (see #3). 

2. Both a man and woman, half naked or naked, either locked in some embrace in the instant before sexual intercourse in an exotic/dark location or "snuggling" in the aftermath of the sex-fest. I use snuggling very lightly here. A picture of David and Victoria Beckam in bed promoting their his & hers perfume/cologne comes to mind and they both look like they had the worst sex of their lives 5 minutes prior to the photograph being taken. If the couple is dressed, they are having the best time of their lives and you can tell by the way they smile at each other or hold hands skipping down the road YUP style. Lets spray each other and walk down the middle of a crowded city road...maybe we won't be hit by a bus? I hope so.

3. Add some nifty graphic element: naked man flying through a waterfall, woman's hair becoming one with the sky in the background, fire coming out of a woman's eyes, an entire city coming out of a bottle of cologne and wrapping itself around the model. The number of ways you could do something is infinite. I imagine people rolling dice for random advertisement generation. What would it look like if they rolled a dragon, midget, and a pear? 

4. Sex. Lots of it. Skin, breasts, ass, legs, muscles. Touching, feeling, practically screwing. of the 100 or so advertisements that I scoped out, 90% of them were sexual in at least some way. I did not know who Tom Ford was before last night but that man looks like he has a pretty awesome life. He was author to some of the most sexual advertisements I looked over. I know this because his name was either on the ad or he was in it.

5. Celebrities and athletes. I guess if they can't find work for long periods of time or just need a little cash in between work periods, representing your own perfume/cologne brand or someone else's is the thing to do. You would be hard pressed to google image a random celebrity's name with the word perfume or cologne and not find an Ad with them promoting it. I made a bit of a short list for your enjoyment: Alyssa Milano, Eva Mendes, Gwyneth Paltrow, Catherine-Zeta Jones, Matthew Mcconaughey, P. Diddy (he was the one coming out of a helicopter), Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Usher, Celine Dion, Tyra Banks, Beyonce Knowles, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, David Beckham, Halle Berry, Shakira, Natalie Portman, Brittney Spears, Josh Holloway, Clive Owen, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Moss, Christina Aguilera, Josh Hartnett, Mariah Carey, Naomi Watts, Jennifer Lopez, Tim Mcgraw, Salma Hayek, Ewan Mcregor, Gwen Stefani, Derek Jeter, Kylie Minogue. 

My fingers and hands are ridiculously tired from typing that small list of names which probably accounts for a small percentage of the total population of celebrities and athletes that sold their souls for something that is supposed to make you smell good and/or make the opposite sex more attracted to you.

Other items sold along with perfume/cologne: sexual services, massage, candles, body lotions and oils, hair products, make-up, sunglasses, shoes, hand bags, watches, cheese (...I know...?), alcohol, and celebrity souls. Fruit, flowers, and herbs were also reoccurring themes. You can even make custom perfumes with the right tools and ingredients.

Now that I know what works, all I need to do is hire two hot celebrities to get naked and go at it while I take pictures. 

Guaranteed A+.

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